Today I am posting the interview that I had the, um, opportunity (??) to conduct with a character who in equal measures disgusts and fascinates me. So, if you would like, feel free to jeer at Joshua C. Cohen's amazingly crafted character from Leverage, Scott. I was hoping through this interview to find out if Scott would exhibit the faintest hint of human sympathy. I guess you'll find out if he did here in a minute...
So, hello SCOTT. Just so you know, I'm not really into football. What do you think of that?
I think them’s fightin’ words. Where I come from, not liking football makes you a total girl. I suppose you’re going to tell me you’re a girl, or somethin’.
[Looks down at self and thinks, well DUH!] What was being an amazing star quarterback like for you?
It was the best. But I’m not liking how you use the word ‘was’ in your question. I still am an amazing quarterback. Did you check my stats before this interview? Happen to notice our win-loss record when I started for the Knights or my passing completion rating? No one in the state has a better QB rating this season.
Is it true that the only reason you are so awesome on the field is that you are/were on steroids?
The lawyer my dad hired told me not to answer any questions about steroids so I’m going to have say ‘no comment’ but trust me when I also say that the level of awesomeness I play at on the field is not something you can get in a pill or a needle … though it certainly can’t hurt!
Do you feel any regret at what happened to Ronnie?
Regret?! Regret?! You soft hearted types are all the same—trying to pin what that stupid kid did to himself on me. I didn’t have nothing to do with what happened to him. We were just screwing around with him—and only after he and his gymnast gnomes started the whole thing and were begging for some payback, begging to be taught a lesson about who runs that school—and Ronnie just couldn’t handle it. I mean, am I also supposed to feel bad about the homeless guy sleeping on the park bench, like I made him sleep there? Am I supposed to feel bad if someone tries lighting his sleeping bag on fire while he’s sleeping in it and the stupid zipper gets stuck and he can’t get out?!?! It’s not like we made him sleep out in the open on a park bench to begin with. I mean, how weak and wimpy is everyone in this country becoming? Take some responsibility for yourself…wait…that last part about lighting a bum on fire …my lawyer just tugged on my arm and told me I shouldn’t have mentioned that so can we take that out of the interview? It’s not like I had anything to do with the burning bum last year. Scratch all that. Ok, what else?
What is life like for you now?
It totally sucks! Everyone keeps blaming me just like you’re trying to do now. Doesn’t matter, though, ’cause I’m strong. I ain’t going to listen to anyone. I don’t care if the stupid judge tries to sentence me…aarrgh…my lawyer just tugged on my arm again. Scratch that part about the ‘stupid judge’ even though the guy looks like he’s about 95 years old and his dentures rattle when he talks. Like an old toad like him would know what I’m going through…okay, okay, the lawyer’s telling me to wrap this up.
Do you have any dark secrets in your past that may have some bearing on what you did?
You want some squishy, tearful story about how I was abused as a kid and that’s why I did what I did? My lawyer is nodding his head like that is exactly what he wants me to do; spill some dark secret that will help get me off. Well, I’m not going to do it. Yeah, my dad liked to hit me pretty good and my older brother used me for a piñata but so what? So did a lot of other guys’ families around me growing up. Where I come from it’s called discipline. Nah, you ain’t going to pin this on my dad or my brother. Fact of the matter is that there is an order to the world and you’re either strong or you’re weak. My family is strong and we are leaders. My brother was his unit’s leader before he got killed in Afghanistan. I was the leader of the Knights before all this crap happened. I still am the leader. Some of us are born with it, born to lead, and the rest of you need to serve us or stay out of our way. No mercy. That’s what I was taught. I got it smacked into me pretty good.
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